Aries (March 21 – April 19) – She’s bossy, impulsive, and loudmouthed. She doesn’t think twice before doing something. She isn’t patient. She’s undisciplined and action oriented. If you come her way, she’ll kick you away. She’ll scold you for what you did to your family & friends. She will make you jealous by posting pics of hers hanging out with “cool” people to make you feel jealous. She’ll destroy the first thing she comes in contact with. Be it your Van Miller jersey or virus ridden laptop, the moment she touches it, it is gone.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) –She is prone to possessiveness, jealousy, and penny-pinching. Initially, she’ll treat you like a royalty, bring home-cooked food for you, shower your day with gifts, and send you long, sensuous messages and unflappable demeanor. Once the routine sets in, that’s when she turns into a b**tch.
If your secretary is more of a “work-wife”, she’ll smash your possessions, do all the accusation, scream, kick, break etc. with your things. Even after she’s done with all that, she won’t think twice before emptying your bank account. You got to keep it safe. The Bull is soothed with wine, food and material things.
Gemini (May 21 – June20th) – Initially, she’ll spellbind you with her childlike smile and interest in everything. Her Tinkerbell laughter will stimulate you and usher you into the land of butterflies. Things seem so fresh. But, it’s the beginning man!
She is a superficial person, anxiety struck and directionless. She can’t commit herself to anyone. Everything seems attractive to her directionless mind. She sucks nectar from her first flower and flies off to the next. She’s a tease and can’t settle with one person. The $ex may seem something too much for her. But she’ll drive you crazy anyway.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – Be prepared with lots of tissues because she is always so crying. Get used to her tears. She has zero confidence and always looks for an outside reassurance. She’s a stage 9 clinger. The moment she turns on her waterworks, you need to understand you get ready with long texts, reassuring and lengthy talks. Be ready with lots of time. She’ll be on you for kids within the first few weeks of dating. So, check twice if your condom has pinholes into it.
Leo (July 23 – August 22) – She doesn’t admire Beyonce. She thinks she herself is Beyonce. She has a flair of drama about her. Get prepared for public fights, drinks thrown on your face, regrets about how she wasted her time with you, and stomp off.
After all the fight, she might reveal her kitten side. Apologizing, welcoming you on the bed with her makeup turned on, skin glistening, hair cascading etc. But even kitten has claws.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22) – Get ready to live in her hypoallergic bubble, full of nasal filters, compression socks, humidifiers etcetc etc. At first, her service for you may draw your attention. Her highly organized behavior such that you never have to ask twice where your socks are or if electricity bill has been paid.
Her pills will kill you. Tablets of all kind will dwell in your home. Once you join a gym, get ready for rantings on how careless, beer gut you’re. Unless you are another Virgo, get ready to run hills.
Libra (September 23 – October 22) – Initially she’ll treat you like her “royal man” but soon her “psycho” personality comes into thepicture. She is so adept at befooling people and leading a “triple” or “quadruple” life that you don’t understand what’s happening in your life. She is a good debate. She is ready to debate till you give up!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 22) – She plays her game perfectly well. She’s so into the details of what’s going on in your life that the moment she finds you hanging out with anyone, she’ll track her down and kill her by sending anonymous threat notes, burning your stuff, and threatening you madly. She knows the rules of the game and plays it well too.
Sagittarius (November 23> – December 21) – Go about viewing the relationship with her as a fun not as a “fidelity” sport. She has a ‘live& let live’ motto that suits her life. Even if you catch her 7th or 8th time cheating, she won’t try to hide it and label you as trying to “own” her if you express discontent.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) – She is or purports to be a high-class lady. She’s extremely intelligent who can talk recipes with your mom and politics with your dad. Where’s is the problem? The problem is she’s too much goal oriented. For her, you are just a peg on the wall to enable her to get on the top. She wants your help only because of your connections, influence or knowledge that can help her get success. Yes, beware!